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"Far too Young to Die"Written By: Miss Murdered Disclaimer: I don't own the GW characters - am just borrowing to torment for my amusement Rating: NC 17 Warnings: implied m/m sexual relations, death
fic that isn't a death fic (bear with me peeps) mission related violence
and gore, angst, language, eventual sap Pairings: 1x2x1 Summary: Four times Duo saw Heero die. Four times he bled in his arms. And four times Duo tried to stop it. But after living the day of his nightmares, over and over again, can Duo find a way to stop it and save Heero Yuy? A/N: Please suspend belief for this scenario…
I am not going to explain "why" Duo is repeating his day
– let's just say karma's kicking his ass for all that mass murdering,
okay?! Inspired by the song Far too Young to Die by Panic! At the
Disco.
"Far too Young to Die "
Chapter Three Chasing Rollercoasters Okay, I guess this was happening again, and fuck was I pissed this time. Not confused. Not damn upset or traumatised or whatever. Instead, I was flaming fucking pissed as the sound of the wake-up call was so damn loud and my heart was hammering from the shit I'd just been through. And like fuck could I go through another day where Heero died and I sure as shit wouldn't. Not this time. I sat up in my bunk, sat on the edge, ran my fingers through my bangs, felt for my hickey and I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen that I had stashed in my pack, quickly drawing myself a map of the village, the market place, the routes we'd gone. My tongue was peeking out – my "concentration face" that people tend to mock – hey I can't help it that I'm a cute little shit, right? But I was figuring it out – all that I'd seen, all the locations, figuring out a way to get me and 'Ro outta there without incident. I plotted on my map where the boy had been, putting a little X on his spot and then I put an X on the house we'd entered from the other direction and where the damn dog had been and the shooter. It left two directions to turn towards, each making it a long ass way around to get rendezvous point C which I marked too. But they were better options, I was not gonna repeat the same shit again, no bleeding out, no fucking damage to Heero Yuy this time, no fucking way. I folded up the piece of paper, put it on the side as I got dressed, feeling like, this time, this damn time shit was going to go right. As I pulled my braid out from my tank, as I put on my jacket, I thought about damn Ethan and warning the rest of the men. Then I remembered their jokes at my expense, them thinking I'm a crazy little shit and fuck, I did not want to deal with that, you know? And I wondered if that was bad – that I wasn't going to be able to save Ethan's life or anyone else on my goddamn team because they thought I was some crazed, deranged ex-Gundam pilot but fuck, I had to focus my energy on Heero. On saving him. As I was not doing the watching him die again thing. My decision was simple. I was gonna focus on Heero – getting him outta there alive and I'd do whatever I had to. I thought through my plan, decided this time it would damn well work and grabbed the paper, looking at my route one more time, committing it to memory as I walked outta my room to go get breakfast, to see Heero, and this time I'd act all normal. Act like I'd not done this shit before. But it was damn hard because as soon as I damn well saw him, I wanted to be all over him as the last image I had of him in my head was him dying in my arms and seeing him standing next to me in the queue to get food, wearing that damn white v-neck tee made me want to jump and do inappropriate things to him right in front of the whole crew as well as Deckard who was glancing at us, that damn suspicion there. I managed to eat, managed to pretend I was okay until we got our moment alone, that brief little moment, and I pushed him hard against the wall, kissing him like I meant it, my tongue in his mouth as he made a little moan of shock at my sudden display of aggression, at my damn neediness as I ground my hips into his, as I ran my fingers up to his hair, pulling him close, and touching whatever part of him I could get to – wanting to feel him, solid, alive, warm, perfect. Our lips continued their movement, though I took some of the heat outta the kiss, feeling already like I wanted to do all sorta nasty things with him and we had no time as I could hear the sound of the movement of the rest of our squads, the revving of engines, the stomping of boots and I could hear it even above the rushing of blood in my ears. The white hot sensation of losing myself to him, to each slide of our tongues, each thrust of my hips, each time I twirled his hair around my finger. I groaned as I left his mouth, dragging his bottom lip between my teeth a little to show my reluctance at moving away and Heero blinked, looked at me a little puzzled. "And you wouldn't stay last night?" he asked, an eyebrow raised and I gave him a little chuckle. "I didn't want to get into trouble – you see how Deckard was looking at us while we got breakfast?" He nodded and I felt his hands slide from where they'd rested on my sides, slowly running up and down my back and it gave me shivers. I leaned forward, claiming his lips, in I guess, what I'd say was a sweet kiss, no fire, no war of tongues, no tonsil hockey or whatever but it felt good and I hadda remember I was saving him this time – this was no goodbye. When I moved back this time, I was scratching a place behind my braid awkwardly, giving him a little smile. "You be careful... see you on the other side and all." He pushed himself from the wall, put his hand lightly on my shoulder and walked to wherever he needed to be. I sighed, watched him go and thought, fuck, tonight we were gonna go back to his or mine bunk and we were going to slowly explore every inch of each other's bodies like we never had done before as nothing bad was gonna happen on this op. Nothing bad at all. Hey, never doubt me and my optimism. Got me a lot of places in my life. It made me so damn angry as I sat in the back of the truck again, being stared at, being whispered at behind my back. I met Ethan's eye damn once and I thought... fuck, I thought again about saying something to the asshole as even though he was a jerk, he didn't deserve to die, right? But I didn't say nothing this time, too preoccupied, too in my own damn world where I saved Heero Yuy and I was a hero and tonight was filled with hot, slow, sweaty sexy times. The rocking of the truck had become too damn familiar as I looked above everyone's heads, thinking of my plan, my route and nothing else. It was all gonna work. But I knew plans never worked out as my life had been me stumbling from one event to the next, losing my way and finding it again so I shouldn't have so much faith in it. But then faith got me through shit, not religious, just faith in myself so once I was outta the truck, I was securing my weapon, my goggles, the bandana around my mouth and following orders at least for the first part. At least until Heero's team came under fire. I walked through the previous events like some kinda zombie, aiming my weapon where I needed, nodding to confirm when I damn needed, searching the houses as I should. The dead dude barely registered this time, bloody and broken on the floor as I guess, for me, he wasn't something I needed to think about this time. As I walked over him, I swatted away the flies uncaring and continued my job, walking through the darkened homes and barely thinking shit apart from my plan. Apart from rescuing Heero. I was trying to go into soldier mode, some kinda mission mode but still when I found the girl, a lump caught in my damn throat and I stopped to look at her, unable to just pass her by. Fuck, I'd seen her twice already and it still fucked me over that she'd been left, abandoned here and I knelt down, hearing the sound of the comms in my ear, hearing the boots of my team on the ground and this time I saw how thin her wrists were and I figured... I figured, shit she'd probably died of starvation rather than anything else. I'd seen that, damn awful as it was, and it stung to see it again. As we fought a war, you know? And things shoulda been better. Kids shouldn't end up starving to death. This time, I couldn't damn help it as her dark eyes looked up blankly and I grabbed at the blanket, pulling it over her face, and when I stood back up I could still see her thin wrist and her black hair peeking out but it was better. Easier. And I moved on. The sound of battle was just like it was the first few times, gunfire and explosions and shouts. I'd taken more time with the girl and this time I just saw Ethan dead, sprawled across the ground, blood pouring on the sand underneath him. It wasn't hard this time as I stepped over him, fired at the rooftops, clung to the walls, as I went in search of Heero. Maybe it should be. Maybe being among all this death, maybe hearing the eerie silence of a quiet battlefield should've made me feel regret or fear or something but I was so fucking single-minded that I didn't think or feel anything. All I did was walk to the market place, keeping my eyes up and open, my weapon raised until I saw the movement of Heero in the doorway and I was walking cautiously towards him, each foot slowly in front of the other. I knew we'd have the same damn conversation so instead of having I began to blurt out everything he needed to know. "Lost some of our team, I still have comms and we need to get to rendezvous C for evac." Heero blinked at me as I spoke, rushing over my words as soon as my goggles and bandana were outta the way. "Your team?" he asked. I shrugged, holding my weapon loosely in my hand. "Lost some but we gotta go." He didn't mind my haste, my impatience and this time I didn't linger to touch him as this time he wasn't dying, right? So later, back at base, I could touch each and every part of him like I damn well wanted so I didn't need to reach out and reassure myself. As this was going down one way – my way where I'd save his ass. "I'm taking point," I told him, an order, "I know a few routes are cut off. Gotta take a different way." The lie slipped so damn easily from my lips and even though it wasn't an order that we should take a different route, I saw it as a sign that we shouldn't take the two previous ones – hey, let's not damn well walk the way to where a kid blows himself up or a guy shoots Heero. Yeah, let's not do that, I thought. It was easy to persuade Heero as I was using cool hard logic and I wasn't pissing around so it took nothing to have him following me, our weapons raised, our eyes scanning the market as we went. Heero was behind me, a few steps and I was confident this time as I thought about my little map, the doodle that told me which way to go and I was feeling so damn smug and good about this as I was gonna do this. I could do this. There were no signs of any enemies and we paused, regrouped by a building that had been hit by an explosion, leaning against it and I flashed him a small smile. "We gonna get out of here and tonight I'll stay in your room whatever." He rolled his eyes, proof that he thought that this was not that time to discussing tonight's sleeping arrangements and I chuckled. "You don't care about being kicked out?" he asked, his eyes narrowed. "Naw... need you all night after this shit storm." It was then we made our move, our little heartfelt conversation done with – okay, maybe not heartfelt but it was something and I felt damn good as we walked towards the rendezvous point. My plan took us too far north of it but once we were outside the main areas of the village where the fighting had happened, we were gonna double back around the outskirts and come out the other side. It was simple and I felt good about this op for the first time since we'd arrived in this dusty sandy place in the middle of god knew where. As it was gonna be done – we were gonna make the evac and in a few hours we'd be back at base, showered, and fed and then naked. Yeah. I liked this plan. But fuck, it was not going like I planned. As there was a damn explosion. Or the echo from an explosion and I ducked instinctively as the ground and world rocked around me. I lost my feet, finding myself in the dust as the buildings we were close to began to crumble. They'd already suffered damage in the previous blasts and fighting, and they were now damn unstable the stone becoming loose and falling to the ground. I looked up and rolled my body as walls fell, as roofs did, as the remains of this little village began to fall and crash and burn. The explosion, the aftermath of it, brought with it a silence that seemed damn deafening and I dared to raise my head. I coughed as the explosion had brought with it a swirl of sand and the debris from the building had filled my lungs. Shoulda kept my bandana around my mouth, I thought, growling a little at my own stupidity. And the damn goggles as I raised myself to my knees, wiping away the grit from my eyes ineffectually with my hands. I felt stone fall to the ground as I moved, the bits of building that had landed on me dropping of my body as I got to my feet to assess the damage both to myself and what was around us. And of course, I saw Heero, and while I had rolled outta the way and had gained only the slightest of injuries, I flinched as I saw that part of the building had damn well fallen on him, crushing him underneath the weight of it and I was rushing those few steps to see the damage. As fuck, there had to be damage as he lay on his stomach and as soon as I got close and the dust had settled, I saw blood, lots of damn blood and I realised that he couldn't damn move. I grabbed at the wall that had fucking fallen on him, trying to lift it to get him out but it was crushing him and his head was laid against the sandy floor and his breathing was shallow and I knew, fuck it, it was happening again and I was completely damn helpless. I called it in, gave our location like an automaton, not feeling anything as I said the words and then I was kneeling beside Heero, trying to see if there was anything anything at fucking all I could do this time to stop him... To stop him from dying. I wasn't going through this again, I'd told myself and shit, here it was. My life on damn repeat. Always seeing the people I fucking love die. And shit, I was trying to move some of the rubble knowing it was useless until I heard his voice, that word, that word I heard every damn time and I was gritting my teeth, grinding my jaw together as I knew he'd say it. "Stop..." I did even though every bone in my damn body didn't want to. I wanted to claw him out, dig him out, save him but it was futile. I wasn't as strong as 'Ro and shit, not even he could get himself out so what chance did I have? All I could do was pillow his head in my lap, wipe away some of the dust from his hair and cradle him as he died. "Duo," he said, my name low and deep and I was so goddamn sick of hearing it like that. Like it was his last few breaths and I was hurting deep inside as I couldn't do this again. But I had to, had to sit beside him and hold him as I couldn't walk away from him as he died. As he was hurt. As he was vulnerable so I stayed. "I'm sorry..." "'Ro..." my voice cracked and faltered as his chest stopped moving and my head dropped to lean against his as no air escaped those lips that I'd kissed so many damn times. It felt like hours, me sat there with him in my arms, holding him as he went cold, as I stroked his hair, his face, his arm and I swallowed back my tears this time as I was hopeless. As I'd been so damn determined. I'd had a damn good plan. Everything should've fucking worked and it shouldn't have ended like this. But it had. I felt like giving up, I felt like I had to try something else – shooting him in the foot, dislocating his shoulder or tying him up in a closet as I wasn't going to do this again. But I felt that whatever I did, whatever I changed, the ending was always going to be the same and fuck, I didn't want that ending again. And it was gonna happen again. I sat there, my own breathing erratic, my heart too large in my chest and when the evac team came, they used equipment to get him outta the rubble, getting him out so he could be brought back to the base... to be buried. Maybe they knew, they knew what he meant to me as instead of the mocking jeers of me being different, of being an asshole who thought I was better due to being a fucking Gundam pilot, they let me be, let my hold his hand in the back of the truck even though it was cold and limp and lifeless in my grasp, even though he was gone. I refused to leave his bodies side from the moment we got back on base, following the gurney he was put on, following him like a shadow and for some reason I was allowed to stay as everyone gave me an odd glance and tried to keep away from me. Maybe I looked as dead behind the eyes as I felt, as cold, as damn empty as I was feeling. Maybe they saw that in the way I walked, in the way I held his hand and the way I whispered and talked to him as though he wasn't a damn corpse. Fuck, it was not the sanest shit to do but I'd just seen him die in the third most horrible fucking way and I couldn't deal with that, you know? I watched them clean him, I watched them check his wounds and shit, they didn't autopsy him which maybe it was a good thing as I probably would've stayed for that as I couldn't comprehend that he'd died from that blast, that bullet wound and then the damn building falling in on him. When they were done, I sat beside him on a little metal stool and held his hand, feeling the callouses on his skin, and wishing that I got my dream instead of sitting in the cold refrigeration of the temporary morgue. I wanted to be in his room, rolling around on that thin little bunk, knocking our knees together and our teeth, grinding together and kissing like there was no tomorrow. Instead, there was no tomorrow as I brushed his knuckles with my lips, feeling the cold and I sat there all damn night. I talked to him, you know? Told him what I felt – that I was a fuck up and I'd lost everything in my life, told him my sorry past, Solo, the church, all my pain and that watching him die was the worst thing for me... as I loved him. I really fucking did. And while I'd convinced myself it was a fling, pent-up hormones, a few quick fucks, I'd fallen for him. Or maybe I'd always been a little in love, a little impressed, a little like a teenage hormone cluster fuck who liked a guy who tried to kill me. As that was normal behaviour but I couldn't damn help it. And I'd wake up tomorrow and he'd be alive again, I guessed, as I ran my thumb over his palm, and I'd be able to kiss him and love him but it would be brief as I'd watch him die again. I felt sleep overpower me, my calm exterior masking the damn war of emotions going on underneath the surface and I leaned against the wall behind me, letting my head drop onto my chest and I continued to hold his hand as I dropped off, as I fell into some kinda exhausted, emotionally drained sleep and even as I was going to fall into unconsciousness again, I thought about how, in a few hours' time I'd wake up in my bunk, ready to watch the man I loved die again. Fuck. I was totally and utterly fucked. |
